April Fools: Goldy Gopher to Retire

April 1, 2016
Goldy Gopher and Little Goldy

The popular mascot for the University of Minnesota Twin Cities, Goldy Gopher, announced today retirement from a post held by the gopher for more than half a century. Goldy cited the recent Gophers Women's Hockey team championship win as a great capstone on a career, as well as the desire to spend more time with the fam, according to a source close to the famous mascot, who is known for being verbally reticent.

Upon hearing the news, senior Ima Fahn expressed dismay. "Goldy had a family? Like, kids and a spouse?" said Fahn.

Indeed, Goldy's spouse is said to be "a real head turner." Still, few have glimpsed inside the private life of one of the most public figures in University history. Goldy attends more than 500 outings and events each year as part of the job. The hours are grueling, and the pay a form of currency dubiously called "its own reward."

A storied history

Goldy's career as the U of M mascot began in the 1940s, a reign that has outlasted 10 University presidents. Few are aware that the mascot has, in fact, been offered the president-ship on a number of occasions throughout history, only to respond by doing pushups and riding away on the Goldy scooter.

U of M President Eric Kaler, known to be a fierce admirer of Goldy, is said to be inside his office knee-deep in a pool of his own tears.

Already, candidates have surfaced vying for the top job, including such characters as Goldy Horsey, Goldy Duck, Goldy Gorilla, Goldy Bunny, and Goldy Armadillo.

Goldy's career highlights include such accomplishments as the construction of the U of M Gopher Way underground tunnel system, built entirely with Gopher engineering decades ago, as well as a new underground tunnel system, nearly complete, leading to the den of Bucky the Badger.

And for years, Goldy has been the top-performing mascot at the top university in the top state of the nation. Goldy regularly competes in the UCA Mascot National Championships, where the beloved gopher placed first in 2011 and 2013.

Other mascots have consistently looked to Goldy for inspiration. Bucky the Badger, Herky the Hawk, and Sparty the Spartan are said to be speechless with the news of their hero's retirement.