With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, couples are taking a little extra time to appreciate each other. But working on maintaining and developing healthy relationships is a long process that deserves attention all year round.
Emily Jordan Jensen, resident faculty member in the Master of Professional Studies in Integrated Behavioral Health and Addictions Counseling programs, answers questions about maintaining strong relationships.
Q: What are some indicators that your relationship is healthy or unhealthy?
Dr. Jordan Jensen: Healthy romantic partnerships are marked by feelings of safety and a balance between togetherness and individuality. Our data on couple relationships supports the idea that feelings of safety and connection are built and maintained in tiny, everyday interactions. Psychologist John Gottman identified the magic ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction as a formula for relationship success. These interactions are defined in very small terms — a positive interaction could be answering your partner when they ask you a neutral question and a negative interaction could be simply missing their question because you were on your phone. Relationships are not won and lost in huge romantic gestures or blow-out arguments. Our patterns across many small interactional moments are actually much more predictive of relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Q: What are common points of tension in relationships?
Dr. Jordan Jensen: Tension and conflict are inevitable, but it is the couple’s ability to effectively resolve conflict that is most important. As a couples therapist, I am less concerned about the content of conflicts — money, sex, parenting, extended family, household division of labor and how to spend free time. My focus is instead on the process of the conflict, how people fight, and the unmet needs that lie beneath the conflict itself. Renowned couples therapist Esther Perel says the needs we fight for can fit into three categories: control (whose priorities matter more), closeness (is my partner there for me?) and respect and recognition (do I matter to my partner?). The fight is never really about the shower curtain or the missed text. Being able to identify the core need that lies beneath our hurt or annoyance is a relationship superpower.
Q: How can partners improve communication?
Dr. Jordan Jensen: Communication is the lifeblood of relationships. We are always communicating with our partners, even when we aren’t actively exchanging words — the length of time between a response or message can really communicate something in its own right. Several skills can help improve communication in romantic partnerships, but recognizing its importance, and bringing a sense of intention to it are good first steps. I would recommend putting your phones down when you are having any kind of engagement with your partner, casual or serious. Limiting distractions and demonstrating our full attention can go a long way toward preventing miscommunication and fostering connection.
Q: When should couples consider therapy?
Dr. Jordan Jensen: Engaging in couples therapy is an incredible investment in any partnership. Often folks seem to think things must be really bad to consider therapy. But proactive work at earlier relationship stages or when things are going well can be even more productive. My clients have described couples therapy as a safe, neutral space to work on difficult conversations, as a form of accountability for bringing up the important topics that are easy to ignore in day-to-day life, and when things feel difficult or uncertain, as an anchor point or lifeline for the relationship. Something powerful happens when people in a relationship commit to showing up for one another in a therapeutic setting. It can be hard work, but it nearly always leads to deeper understanding and greater connection.
Q: How does your work at the University of Minnesota help support healthy relationships across the state?
Dr. Jordan Jensen: My primary focus is ensuring curriculum and instruction for University of Minnesota students are rooted in empirical evidence and the realities of applied practice. We work to prepare the next generation of counselors for a dynamic and rapidly evolving field. Brain science and our understanding of the way development and traumatic experiences influence mental health have expanded rapidly in recent years. This new knowledge translates to more effective treatment. One of my favorite classes to teach is Family Dynamics in Counseling where I present relationship therapy theories, concepts, and skills and students engage in hands-on practice through ongoing counseling role-plays throughout the semester.
Emily Jordan Jensen, Ph.D., LMFT, is co-director of Graduate Studies, resident faculty member in the Master of Professional Studies in Integrated Behavioral Health and Addictions Counseling programs, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) practicing in an outpatient setting in the community. Her research has focused on increasing access to mental health services for rural populations.
About the College of Continuing and Professional Studies
Established in 1913, the College of Continuing and Professional Studies empowers lifelong learners to achieve their educational goals through professional courses, applied and individualized degrees and other academic pathways. With values that include Access, Learning, Inclusivity, Collaboration and Excellence, the College pursues a learner-centric environment where diverse ideas, backgrounds and identities are embraced. Learn more at ccaps.umn.edu.
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