The holiday season can bring many stressors: from loneliness and financial concerns to limited time for gatherings with family and friends. Tai Mendenhall, a family therapist and professor in the College of Education and Human Development, shares how to manage stress over the holidays.
Q: How can we prepare for the holiday season?
Prof. Mendenhall: In health care, we say it is better to prepare than it is to repair. Plan ahead for how to do the shuffle across family and friend groups. Determine what you can afford. It’s okay to do a low-cost gift exchange instead of buying extravagant presents for everyone — or decide as a group to buy gifts for kids only. Simplify large family meals by preparing food and activities in advance. Delegate tasks across your guests such as preparing food, planning fun activities or games, and clean-up duties. Don’t say yes to every invitation or request that comes up.
Q: Is it normal to feel stress over the holidays?
Prof. Mendenhall: It is very normal. We’re juggling multiple obligations along with travel, shopping, cleaning, decorating and cooking. We’re also dealing with delayed airplanes, inclement weather, tough financial decisions, and trying to keep the peace during tense conversations about things like politics.
There’s a lot we can do to manage holiday stress. Take time to develop or maintain healthy habits, such as exercising, stretching, meditating or relaxing. Hydrate with water, not wine. Practice good sleep hygiene. Give yourself the grace to not be perfect — we’re not all in a Norman Rockwell painting or Hallmark movie. Lean into the beauty and messiness of real life. Remember what the holidays are supposed to be about.
Q: How can people combat feelings of loneliness?
Prof. Mendenhall: Ironically, you are not alone in feeling lonely. Even in a room full of people, we may feel lonely because we’re not in a relationship or dealing with family conflict. Many of us are not able to be with loved ones due to distance, finances, health, work or other responsibilities. It’s also a time that we remember — even more than usual — loved ones who have passed away. We reminisce about past holiday seasons that felt happier, easier or simpler than they do today.
There is no universal way to ease loneliness, but a good way to start is by reaching out — a quick phone call or text to a friend will help. Seek community at your church, your child’s school events, or by volunteering to help the elderly or families in need. Read a book, listen to nostalgic music or watch fun movies. Try something new, like painting, guitar or creative writing.
Limit the time you spend on things that drain you, like social media or non-stop news coverage. Don’t be shy about meeting with a therapist if you are feeling especially fragile, sad or depressed. Take care of you.
Q: How can I effectively juggle multiple commitments?
Prof. Mendenhall: Everyone struggles with this — especially couples. It’s important to work as a team. Some couples alternate Thanksgiving each year with their respective families, while others have two or three Christmas celebrations. There are also friendsgiving gatherings and work parties.
Be creative, be flexible and be proactive. It’s okay to say no and stick to your boundaries — it’s better to do two or three things well than spread yourself too thin. Pick your battles and roll with it when plans change — they often do.
Q: How are you advancing couple and family therapy at the U of M?
Prof. Mendenhall: The Department of Family Social Science’s Couple and Family Therapy Program works to train future practitioners who help families and communities in Minnesota and beyond. In the classroom, I engage students in studies on mental health, couple and family relationships, collaborative health care, and community engagement. My scholarship focuses on improving health in marginalized communities. This work advances close collaborations between professionals and couples or families to discover and promote care strategies that affect positive change.
I encourage anyone who is struggling to seek support — the earlier, the better — through a licensed care professional in your community, such as a counselor, psychologist, or family therapist to get help with a variety of individual and interpersonal processes in problem-solving, healing, and growth. There are great resources online to help you search for help, including the American Psychological Association’s Psychologist Locator, the Minnesota Psychological Association’s Find a Psychologist link, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy’s Therapist Locator, and the Minnesota Association for Marriage and Family Therapy’s Find a Relational Therapist page.
Dr. Tai Mendenhall is a medical family therapist and professor in the Department of Family Social Science’s Couple and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota. He is an Adjunct Professor in the UMN's Department of Family Medicine and Community Health, and directs the mental health teams in the UMN’s Medical Reserve Corps.
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About the College of Education and Human Development
The University of Minnesota College of Education and Human Development (CEHD) strives to teach, advance research and engage with the community to increase opportunities for all individuals. As the third largest college on the Twin Cities campus, CEHD research and specialties focus on a range of challenges, including: educational equity, teaching and learning innovations, children’s mental health and development, family resilience, and healthy aging. Learn more at cehd.umn.edu.
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